**This is the hardest post I have ever written, but one I could not not write any longer**

There is a private meeting I attend every Thursday evening where I introduce myself in a way that will surprise, shock and sadden many of you.   It is a place where I feel like I am the most real, the most honest, and the most reliant on something, or better yet, Someone, to get me through the day.    In these meetings I am not a pastor, not a writer, not a blogger, not a speaker, not that guy who lost his job for believing against hell.    On Thursday nights I tell the truth, by introducing myself this way:

Hi, my name is Chad, and I’m a sex addict.

My story is not unlike the many stories I have heard from fellow addicts over the years.   A sleep-over at a friend’s house leads to finding dad’s Playboy magazine stash where a young boy with wide-eyed wonder becomes captivated by forbidden fruit.   Magazines evolve into videos and videos into the Internet and before you know it life becomes unmanageable and completely dedicated to finding the next fix, no matter what or who it might be and irrespective of the consequences.   I have listened to recovering heroine addicts confess that it was far easier to break free from their narcotic addiction than their sex addiction.   As the years went by I left a trail of carnage in my wake, disappointing those who loved me and those I love by betraying their trust in darker, more reckless ways.

There is no greater lie or deception than the one that whispers, “It’s just porn.  I’m not hurting anybody.”

It will destroy your life.   It will destroy the lives of those you care about.

I have struggled a long time debating with myself and with God whether or not I should go public with this.   I’m aware of the costs involved with being so vulnerable and transparent, especially about something like sex addiction, which carries with it such a heavy stigma in our culture, not to mention ignorance.   I know this will loose me friends and probably whatever respect I had in the eyes of most of my readers.   But I can’t stay silent about something so pervasive and destructive, not just in my own life but in the lives of so many others who deal with this in a closet of shame and guilt.  Sex addiction is the big pink elephant in the room no one wants to talk about or admit they struggle with and yet we are a culture immersed in sex!  It should come as no surprise to anyone that millions upon millions of people battle sexual addiction given the enormous amount of “drug” that is pumped to us via various media and the Internet.   We swim in a culture secretly and embarrassingly obsessed with sex.  And very few are talking.

I’m aware of the costs because this is not the first time I have gone public.   About a month before I was dismissed as pastor for writing, “What I Lost Losing Hell” I preached a sermon from the Old Testament lection assigned that day, Deuteronomy 30:19, which reads:

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

I talked about the many “idols” that parade themselves before us – money, family, pastors, religion, career, friends, fame, status – seeking to win our devotion and worship.   I included another idol in the list:  sex.    I talked about how the pornography business is one of the largest and most lucrative in the world and shared statistics, some which claim that 50% of all the men in church have viewed pornography within the past week.   I talked about the number of lives destroyed and marriages ruined because of sex addiction.

And then I confessed that I know what I am talking about because this has been my battle most of my adult life.

But there is hope for you if you are like me, I told my congregation.   There is such a thing as recovery and it’s beautiful.  There is such a thing as the power of the Gospel and it’s amazing.   If I can be on a path of recovery and wholeness, so can you.   You can choose life today. I also added an apology from the Church, for we are guilty of not speaking up and out from the pulpit about one of the deadliest killers in our culture today:  porn.     And if we cannot talk about the dark, painful burdens we carry in church then we might as well close the doors and go home.

I said I’m aware of the costs of confessing because within a week I was sitting before the committee who would dismiss me a month later for daring to believe in a God bigger than hell, having to address concerns about the safety of children and whether or not any of the porn I used was gay porn.

The church failed me that day.    But more than me, they failed to be a place  of hope and healing for the people in our community who are secretly struggling with sexual addiction and fear that if they cry out for help they will be embarrassed and judged just as their pastor was.

And this is why I have chosen to speak out.

The Church of Jesus Christ can – no, she must – do better than this!   The scene I just described is not unique to the church I pastored for 4 years.  It’s true of churches everywhere, and those of us who are leaders in churches are responsible.  We have not been forming disciples but converts.  We have not been equipping saints but have been babysitting good citizens.   We have forsaken our purpose to be hospitals that make the sick well and became instead bath houses for the bourgeoisie.  And it angers me.

People are f**king dying on the vine!!!

Men and women just like me sit in pews hiding a secret they are too guilt-ridden and ashamed to tell a soul, especially their so-called ”brothers and sisters” in the church.   Spouses of sex-addicts sit with plastered smiles on their faces pretending all is well when inside they just want to scream because of the betrayal they feel or the attack on their self-esteem and yet they are not free to express this in church for fear of being judged as failing in their “wifely duties.”    No one is talking about sex in the church and yet study after study reveals that unhealthy, destructive views of sex are choking the life out of millions and robbing them of the joy they could and should know.

I did not find hope and healing from sexual addiction in a church.  I found it in weekly Twelve-Step meetings with Sex Addicts Annonymous.   It was there that I discovered what James meant when he wrote, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so in this way you shall be healed” (James 5:16).   It was here that I learned what rigorous honesty meant.   It was here that I learned what true brother-hood is.  It was here that I learned how to give my life and will over to my Higher Power – totally and completely.

It was in 12 Step meetings that I caught a vision of what the church could and should be.

I should have learned all this in the 36 years I spent in churches.   But I did not.  I learned it among fellow addicts sipping coffee and sharing their struggles and victories.    I learned it by being able to introduce myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Chad, and I’m a sex addict,” without shame or fear of adverse recourse.

My hope is that through telling my story someone will find hope and healing.   But this is also for my healing.    This is for my recovery.   Speaking out about the hell that seeks to destroy me and millions of others causes it to lose it’s grip.   And, if God be so willing, I pray our collective voices helps the Church – the body of Christ – to repent, and truly become a place where all who are weary and heaven burdened may find rest.  May we step out of the darkness and into the light and proclaim boldly the Good News that is the Gospel, one that promises life and life abundant, here and now.   And Church, that includes ALL aspects of our lives, especially those parts we are most uncomfortable talking about.

You don’t have to choose death.   Today is the day of your salvation.  And mine.

If you struggle with sexual addiction, there is hope for you.   If you live near Cleveland, TN, I will be starting up a SAA meeting in the next week where support can be found.    Please visit the SAA website to find a meeting location in your area.  Check out this site for more information and resources on recovery, along with dreams of planting a church one day where no one will have to feel the shame millions carry with them on a daily basis.