The song After the Storm is the last on the Mumford & Sons debut album. It is a song about redemption in a land of darkness. It begins this way:

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

That was my posture Tuesday morning.   The day prior I was sitting in court, the first hearing in a divorce proceeding where custody arrangements for our 5 children and financial obligations were set. The judge’s ruling on both of those matters was not surprising as most of that had already been pre-determined.   What was surprising, however, were the emotions that came with it.

Sitting alone on one side of the courtroom awaiting our turn was the most humiliating and painful experience of my life.   Being run out of town for believing against hell felt nothing like the hell my sexual addiction had now presented.   In mid-July I wrote about how I really mucked it up this time, but sitting in court Monday made those consequences I wished away or ignored a sobering reality.  It was a perfect storm.

And so I found myself Tuesday morning mourning the devastation the storm in my life wrought.   I had built a house on sand, seeking shade behind the backlight of a porn-packed laptop which in the end took it all, leaving me scorched and barren.  I wanted to die.

And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

In the midst of my crying out to God my phone rang.  A dear friend from Durham.   I almost didn’t answer because of the state I was in but this was a friend with whom I knew I could be vulnerable.

Would that we all have at least one person in our lives like this.

Gareth insisted I come spend some time with he and friends who can sit with me through this storm.   This was no time to be alone and, he said, we can walk with you over the hill.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

The ensuing 8 hour drive began to lift my spirits.   And for the first time in months I began to “remember our own land” and what is worth living for.

Apart from my kids what truly gives me life is when I write and speak.  I have tried to make a living through other means since being dismissed as pastor and it has not worked.   Particularly now, given the circumstances I find myself in, my present career in sales is untenable.

But if I am to believe what my friends tell me, I am still a pastor.   My church is not one of brick and mortar but, ironically, made up of the very stuff that has been my thorn – the internet.   I continue to be profoundly blessed and encouraged by the number of notes I receive from people whose own faith or recovery has been helped through my willingness to be vulnerable here, among you all, whom I am happy to call friends.

As I look up from the bottom in which I find myself I am reminded that I still believe in a God who is in the business of resurrection.   Out of the pits of hell life springs.   Into chaos, God speaks.   I believe in the power of the gospel to transform lives, including my own.

And so it is that i am choosing to reinvent myself today.  Or, at, the very least, my vocation, and I want to invite you to join me.   I would love nothing more than to take your hand as you take mine and together we navigate the complexities of living After the Storm.    In the midst of my own brokenness I find myself more aware than ever of the sustaining grace of God.  Where weakness abounds, God gets to work (Rom. 5:20).

Another singer/songwriter, Andrew Peterson, paints a beautiful picture with his words in Many Roads:

Could it be that the many roads you took to get here/ Were just for me to tell this story, and for you to hear this song/ And your many hopes, and your many fears/ Were meant to bring you here all along.

So if you’ll trust me with your time I’ll spend it wisely/ I will sing to you with all I have to give/ If you traveled all this way, then I will do my best to play/ My biggest hits (that don’t exist).

Change.  I’m making some serious changes in hopes of using my gifts of writing and speaking to sustain me and my family.   One of those changes is recognizing that my blog where I share my life with others takes time – time I love to give – but doesn’t pay to even allow me to have internet service at home (thank God for Starbucks).   I desire to devote more time to my writing and to this blog and in order to do so I have linked up a PayPal account (see the DONATE button on the top right).  If you have been blessed by this space perhaps you will consider making a donation to the ongoing ministry I feel called to provide.

But there is more.   Funds permitting I will revamp this website and begin hosting online weekly Bible studies along with recovery resources.

And speaking of recovery, I have exciting plans for launching Recovery Church, not in the way I once thought, but here, online.   There are a number of ways I wish to serve and while the means may appear unconventional I sense they can work.

In a world where you have far too many choices of things to read and people to friend, I am so grateful for you.   Hearing your stories of pain and triumph as you give me the space to share my own have been a source of great healing, not only to myself but to many others.    It’s what church ought to be.

I’ll close the way I began by sharing the last stanza of After the Storm.   May it be so.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.